Cartman The Babysitter
by TreeFiddy04
Summary: Wendy asked Cartman to babysit her son while she and Stan visits her mother in law at the hospital. Wendy may soon regret her decision. Complete
1. Chapter 1

Wendy was calling someone on the phone to babysit her son, Sam, who is now one years old and can now walk but still can't talk.

The reason Stan is not here right now is because he has to visit his mother in the hospital, and Stan told Wendy that Sharon has stage 2 breast cancer and may have to undergo chemotherapy.

Wendy was sad that her mother in law has breast cancer, which is ironic because Wendy was promoting breast cancer awareness at south park elementary school when she was a kid.

This means that Wendy must meet Stan at the hospital, which is, by the way, 4 hours away. Wendy called Bebe, Kelly, Kyle, and Kenny but they said their not available right now.

Bebe is still working while breastfeeding Levy, and Kyle is still in court dealing with a case that involves butters being charged with child molestation because he kept touching his step son's little dong and semen came out of his pee pee.

Kenny is busy performing stunts at a stadium in Denver, Colorado, and Kelly is currently visiting her mother while showing off her twin children.

Wendy has no one to call to babysit but she thought of someone who might but Wendy has doubts at first but he's only one available. She had no choice but to call Eric Cartman. She waited for Cartman to pick up the phone and he did.

"Hey hippie bitch why the phone call?"

" Cartman I need you to watch Sam while I meet Stan at the hospital."

"What's wrong did the pussy's dick break off because your hippie hole is too tight for Stan?"

"God no you cocksucker."

"What ever bitch so where's that little poop machine?"

"It has a name Cartman and he's taking a nap."

"You know I could've called my parents to watch him but my mom is visiting her friend and dad is still at his community meeting in north park center," said Wendy.

"So basically I'm stuck with you as my only choice but we're gonna cover some ground rules Eric Cartman!"

"OK fine bitch what are the rules."

"Here are the ground rules, one: I already made Sam his dinner, it's in the fridge so please feed him his dinner, two: make sure you watch him, don't keep watching TV all day, three: give him a bath but don't leave him alone and make sure that soap or water doesn't get in his eyes, four: when your watching TV with my son, make sure it's nothing inappropriate on TV and I put v chip on the cable box so no violent shows or hentai which is a another I want to talk about."

" Which is?" said Cartman?

"Five: no porn is allowed in this house, Six: his bed time is at nine o'clock make sure he's sleeping in his crib."

Cartman was irritated but said to Wendy,"Is that all I need know?"

"No there's one more thing, if anything happens to my Sammy, I'll chop your dick off and send it to your wife as a gift you hear me fat ass?"

"Yeah I hear you bitch so where's the pooper twin sister?"

"She's at her aunt Shelly's house. Well I'm leaving now so remember Cartman if anything happens to my baby, you can say goodbye to your dick."

Before she was leaving, she picked up Sam and said, "good bye sweetie mommy gonna be back so behave for Mr. Cartman and if he does anything bad to you show mommy your bruises OK sweetie?" Sam was smiling and cooing.

Wendy kissed Sam on his little plump cheeks and put him back in his playpen. "

I'll be back very soon sweetie," Wendy open the door and walked straight to her car and open the door.

She developed concerns where to trust Eric or not, lately Cartman had a certain reputation for being irresponsible with children because he let his son Derick play with a bb gun but she laid the ground rules and Cartman won't risk losing his dick.

Wendy open the car door and drove to the hospital where stan and his sick mother is at.

Cartman was grumbling that he had to watch the little brat.

Sam was making cooing sounds and staring at Cartman for a second then started crying.

"Damn it baby shut up and where's your Binky?" Cartman searched for his Binky, he found but it was on the floor. Cartman cleaned it off and gave it to Sam.

Sam was sucking on and spit it out, he kept crying and bawling.

"What the hell do you fuck want?"

Sam stop crying and said "fu fu fu."

"So you want food brat?"

Sam coos and smiled.

"Alright then I'll get your dinner now."

Eric open the fridge and saw his dinner, green peas, rice and pieces of turkey.

Cartman was carrying it to the table and put it their and he picked up Sam and put him on the highchair. Cartman gave Sam a little spoon and the baby started eating. Cartman picked up the phone and order Dominoes pizza on phone.

" Dominoes, l would like one large pie with pepperoni, meat and extra cheese & some buffalo wings with barbecue sauce. "

"Well sir OK then but what drink do want to go with sir?"

"Oh, I would love a two litter Pepsi please. Where to deliver it, the Marsh residences. OK then thanks."

Cartman put the phone down and notices that the baby had finish his food but made a mess all over his self. His body is stain with green peas and rice. Turkey grease is spread all over Sam's hair.

"Alright poop machine it's bath time and don't make this difficult brat."

Sam was looking at uncle Cartman and Did this, "Damn it Sam," as the baby took a dump in his diaper. Cartman was very angry but calm down a bit and he took off Sam's dirty diaper off, then Eric took off his shirt and put him in the bath tub with his rubber ducky. Eric was cleaning him softly with a rag and a sponge. Sam was splashing water and some of it got on Cartman and it irritated him. Bath time was over and Eric picked up Sam and wrapped him in a towel. Cartman got some clothes from the nursery room and put them on Sam, Sam is now wearing baby shorts and baby size blue t-shirt.

Cartman got a call from Domino's pizza and said there's no delivery today and he have to pick it up by today. Cartman was pissed off and before he went to his car, he called butters who came back from court and asked him to watch Sam for bit while he gets pizza.

Butters tried to explain to Eric that he can't leave, since he's serving 3 months of house arrest for touching Charlotte's son pee pee.

Cartman does not care for what butters said and told him to get his butt over here now.

"Ah shucks, anyway I'm coming Eric and please don't rat me out to the police or Mysterion please?"

"I don't care butters just do this for me."

Butters drove to Stan and Wendy's house and took a look at, Damn it's fine house.

"Butters there you are, get over here and come hold this baby."

"Yes Eric" said Butters.

Butters held the baby and said "that's a cute baby."

"Well don't get use to this, the baby is a monster."

"Oh it's not a monster Eric, it's just a baby."

"Wait and see Butters and you know what I'm talking about."

"Alright I'm getting pizza so don't something stupid like lose the baby or something. Anyway I'll be back very quickly." Cartman said.

 **A/N- Remember to like, follow, share and review. This is Boi Marsh signing out!**


	2. Chapter 2

As Cartman left, butters held Sam for couple of seconds and Sam looked at him and started crying.

"Oh jeez your crying, don't cry baby let me hold you while we watch TV."

Sam stopped crying and butters turned on the TV.

"Oh Pokemon is on now, Sam was cooing and laughing while butters was watching TV.

Butters put him down on the floor and continue to watch TV.

Sam got up from the floor and walked towards the door. The door was slightly left open by accident and Sam slowly push the door.

Sam was walking outside and he saw Bebe coming out of her car with Levy who is currently sleeping.

Bebe turned around and saw Sam walking on the front yard and butters watching TV while the door is open. She remembers something, while Bebe was driving home from work the cell phone rang and she stop the car to answer it.

"Wendy, is that you? "

"Yeah, Bebe, it's me Wendy. "

"Do me a favor, when you get home, check on Cartman and make sure he doing his job please?"

"Don't, I will," said Bebe.

Bebe now remembered it and realize Cartman fucked up, and now Sam walking on the front yard at night which is irresponsible.

Bebe has a half mind to kick butters ass and find Cartman and fuck him up, but right now she needs to get Sam right away. Before she can do that, a man dressed as a storm trooper picked up Sam and ran to his car and drove off. Bebe was horrified and before she can do anything, she went inside her house, put Levy in his crib and called the police.

At the police station, officer Craig Tucker was resting while listing to like a whisper in my head by Onlap.

Craig heard the phone rang and picked up the phone. The call came from Bebe and she said that a man dressed as a storm trooper picked up the baby and went to his car and drove straight down somewhere.

Craig told her that he's on it and he'll get some help. Craig knew that rest of the officers took the night off so he activated the small button signal device and called upon Mysterion.

Mysterion came out of the window and said "ah, Officer Tucker thanks for the signal so what's the situation?"

"Mysterion, a baby was kidnapped by a man dressed as a storm trooper."

"OK I'm on it" said Mysterion.

When Cartman got out of the car, he's has sauce on his face and holding a empty pizza box. He saw the door was slightly opened and butters was asleep with the TV on.

"Butters wake up," he screamed.

Butters waken up and Cartman was looking at him angrily. "Oh hey Eric how was pizza?"

"Not right butters, where is the baby?"

"Oh well I did put him down on the floor and walked to the slightly opened door."

"Dude your suppose to watch him as in don't let him outside Butters."

"Oh jeez I'm sorry I'm just a dumb butterball."

"Yeah you are dumb ass but right now we need to find that baby before that hippie bitch comes home."

Eric and Butters went into his car and drove find the baby.

Wendy and Stan was driving home when the cell phone rang, "hello Bebe is that you? "

"Yes it's me Wendy and you need to hear this. Cartman disappear and had butters watch Sam but butters left the door open and Sam went outside while some guy dressed as a storm trooper picked him up and went in his car and drove somewhere. Look don't worry I called the police, their gonna find Sam and arrest that storm trooper. Uh Wendy? Are you there? Hello?"

Wendy dropped the phone and she screamed "Eric Cartman!"

"Wendy are you there? "

"Yes I'm here,"said Wendy.

"Now listen call Kyle because we need his help to find Cartman and Butters."

"Yes I'll call my husband but Cartman and Butters are no where to be seen, their probably drive off to find your son."

"Good they should because if they don't find him, I will fucking kill them. Bye Bebe I'll call you back when we get to the police station."

Meanwhile Cartman and Butters manage to track down the man who had stolen that baby, he was at the front yard at his house where he took off his costume and picked up the baby from inside of the car.

Cartman and Butters need to get Sam away from the man but they need to do it now because Wendy is on a manhunt for them. The Unknown man removed his helmet and he's reveal to be Kevin Stoley the star wars nerd.

Cartman told Butters to stay here while he confronts Kevin now. Kevin, who was about to open the door saw Eric Cartman and he's in a angry mood.

"God damn it Kevin why you kidnapped a baby for?"

"What, a baby no that's a star wars action figure that talks and spits. "

"Kevin you nerdy freak, that's actual baby you just picked up."

"Oh shit that is a baby, oh crap I might've didn't realize while I was wearing that helmet. OK Cartman here's your baby back but you have to say that stars wars is not gay and Princess Leia is not a lesbo skank."

"God no and never will said" Cartman.

"Ok how about I keep the baby and train it to be a star wars nerd for life."

"Oh God no please don't do this Kevin?"

"Oh I will and you can't stop me."

"That's it I'm gonna fucking kick your ass Kevin."

Try to get me Cartman," Kevin tried to run but Cartman ran fast enough to jump on Stoley and beat the shit out of him.

Red and her baby wakes up from all the ruckus.

"What the fuck is going on here and who's making noise at this time of night? "

Red was furious as she was red in the face, she manage to calm her crying baby and demanded "what's going on? Cartman is that you? Why are you beating up my husband for?"

What your married to that loser nerd?"

"Yes I'm married to the nerd and he's not a loser, plus we just had a baby and his name is Alan Stoley."

"OK then so your married to a nerd and holding a baby that's basically nerd jr."

"What ever Cartman, oh anyway I'm calling the police station right now."

"Damn it butters grab the baby and run," said Cartman.

Butters grabbed Sam and left.

"Eric I'm coming," the guys got into the car and tried to start the engine. "your not gonna leave you asses," as Red put down baby Alan on the grass grabbed a baseball bat and started to bashed Cartman's car.

"Come on Eric please start the car?"

"Damn Butters I'm fucking trying" as Eric Cartman was pissed off and scared. The car finally started and the guys finally drove off with baby Sam. Red picked up the phone and called 911 while holding little Alan. Hello operator my husband was attack by a man named Eric Cartman but his accomplice butters grabbed some baby. Uh Mrs. Stoley butters is currently under house arrest.

"No I just saw him helping Cartman beating up my husband, grabbed a baby and ran off."

"thank you mam for telling us this info and luckily we had another complaint that revolves around Cartman so sit tight and someone will come to help you."

"Thank you sir" said Red as she walked towards her bloody banged up husband while holding her baby.

 **A/N- Remember to like, follow, share and review. This is Boi Marsh signing out!**


	3. Chapter 3

Mysterion came to the rescue and check on Red and she told Mysterion that Cartman has beaten up Kevin and left him in a bloody mess.

"I can't believe this would happen, why would Cartman beat someone up for no reason?"

"I think Cartman was trying to get that baby back."

"Wait a minute why would Kevin picked up a baby for no reason?"

"He thought it was star wars toy and he was gonna give it back to him but you know already by now."

"I'm very sorry Mrs. Stoley, Cartman and Butters will be brought to justice soon. I called the hospital, a ambulance will be there shortly."

"thank you Mysterion, you'll always make this town a safer place" said Red Stoley while she kissed him on cheek.

"Your welcome Mrs. Stoley" said Mysterion while flushing a deep red.

Meanwhile Cartman and Butters were driving to Stan's house to put little Sam in his crib, while they were about to park near Stan's garage, the police and Mysterion corner them.

"Freeze, put your hands up now! "

Cartman, with no way out of this situation, he jumped out of the car and ran as fast as he can but the police manage to catch him and put him in the police car.

Butters grabbed Sam and tried to get out of the car but Mysterion stopped him. Butters tried to beg for mercy, "please Mysterion I didn't mean to cause trouble, Cartman called me to watch his friend's kid while he went somewhere."

"Butters you knew that your under house arrest for sexual assault on a child but you choose to break the law again by leaving during house arrest."

"Let's go Butters now!" Butters who's frightened by Mysterion did something to make it worse.

Butters took off Sam's shorts and diaper and started to play with Sam's ding.

"Butters stop this now, it's sick and wrong" said Mysterion.

"Well shucks I'll continue playing with the baby's pee pee until all charges against me are dropped. "

Mysterion saw baby Sam crying!

"Butters that's it your dead." Mysterion punched butters in the face and rescue baby Sam from Butters.

Butters was arrested and taken into custody as he joined Cartman in the police car, Mysterion picked up baby Sam and cuddle him.

Mysterion checked Sam's dong to make sure that butters didn't do worst to it. Mysterion put baby Sam on a carrier and drove to the police station to give him back to his parents.

Meanwhile at the police station Wendy was intense and demanded justice, Stan started to worry about Wendy going ape shit if their son is not returned.

"Stan if our son is found dead, I'll find Heidi and fuck her up. "

"Wendy don't do this, your better than this bullshit. "

"Stan your fatass friend who was suppose to watch our son, decides to leave and had his dumb pedophile friend watch our son and lost him but God knows that he might've done something inappropriate to our son."

"Honey, what Butters did to Charlotte's kid wasn't intentional but he got a little too curious and got caught, anyway if Butters tries touch our son, I would beat the shit out of him. "

"Thanks but please don't do that because that is kind of embarrassing, besides there other ways to deal with the problem."

"Your right Wendy I shouldn't be mad at butters, I should be mad at Cartman for letting this shit happen."

"I know sweetie, when get our son back, Cartman is never allowed near Sam again."

"Damn sure hope not," said Stan.

Mysterion came bursting out of the window at the police station while holding baby Sam.

" Mrs. Marsh I had brought back your son."

"Oh my God thank you Mysterion!"

"Your welcome Mrs. Marsh and I checked for any harm to the baby and nothing bad happen to the baby but Butters kept stroking his little wiener so it might be little red but he still fine."

While Wendy was holding Sam and kissing his little plump cheeks, Stan had a private conversation with Mysterion and talked for thirty minutes.

"Hey Kenny so Cartman and Butters are getting taken into custody?

"Yes and No, Cartman's wife just posted bail for him and don't worry Butters will be in jail but he'll be transferred soon to state penitentiary, a prison for sex criminals and Charlotte called, wanted a divorce from Butters for sexually abusing her son. Once Charlotte recovers from this tragedy and moves on. As for Butters he can go fuck himself and leave south park forever."

"Thanks Stan and good luck with your marriage to Wendy and tell your mother I hope she feels better."

"I will Kenny thanks," said Stan.

"Oh don't worry, I'll keep a eye on Cartman until his court date which is June 10, 2032."

"Alright thanks Kenny I own you one."

"Your welcome Stan" said Kenny.

Kenny dressed up into Mysterion again and before he left, Wendy while holding Sam in her arms and said this little guy wants to thank you with something. Mysterion confused decided to go along with and said hey little buddy, while Wendy was holding him, Sam reached for Mysterion and kissed him on the cheeks. Wendy slowly pulled Sam into her arms and kissed his little plumped cheeks and Mysterion flushed with red on his face and left into the night.

Ten days later court was in session, Cartman was prosecuted by a women named Jennifer who wears a low-cut red corset with short, light green puffy sleeves, a high collar, red skirt and leggings that are very seductive. Her breast are E cup and the corset tried to cover them but keeps popping out making her cleavage sexier and making men hard to resist them.

Cartman was on the hot seat and was prosecuted by Jennifer, "Mr. Cartman during events of this babysitting job, did you realize that Butters was under house arrest for sexual abuse on a child, but you called him to watch the kid while you went to get food for your self while the baby was potentially in danger with this pedophile."

"Hey don't call me a pedophile judge."

"Shut up Butters"said the judge.

"Thank you judge" said Jennifer.

"Yeah I did ask Butters to watch the kid but I didn't care about him getting caught touching kids private parts, all I want is for butters to watch the kid for minute or two which he can't do that either."

"Well Mr. Cartman it seems you can't be trusted with children at all."

"Bitch shut up I have a son who is with his mother right now."

"Mr. Cartman it is true that you have your one year old son, Derick Cartman a bb gun for his birthday is that correct? "

"Uh, sort of like that?"

"Mr. Cartman answer my question now!"

"Fine I gave a bb gun to my son for his birthday but I didn't know that is illegal and besides kids need guns."

"Mr. Cartman it's illegal for you to give a child a gun, after hearing about you giving a gun to your son, you make me sick" said the judge.

"Mr. Cartman I have one more question?"

"Ok shoot bitch."

"While this court case was continuing, did you look at my breast while I was talking to you?"

"Uh, no, not at all."

"If that's so then why do have a boner right now?"

"Shit, in I was thinking of Heidi flat ass."

"Impossible your not turned on by your wife's flat ass. I think your lying and turned on by my boobs Mr. Cartman."

"Mr. Cartman your under oath so please tell us that your turned on by my breast."

"Fine bitch I will, yes everyone I'm turned on by her tits."

"Well thank you Mr. Cartman, today you just prove to us that your irresponsible human being, horrible father and a pervert to boot, I rest my case. Before recess can commence, do you have any to say Mr. Cartman?"

"Alright I got something to say, this whole this thing was Wendy and Sharon's fault, if that hippie bitch just tie her tubs and that pussy's mom just chop her tits off none of this while thing wouldn't happen and that's my opinion. "

Wendy was furious as she was red in the face, Stan had a scowl look on his face as he heard enough and wants to kill this fat bastard.

The judge called for a recess and had a private meeting with Mr. Cartman," Eric I had enough with you, your are the most horrible human being I ever met, when every comes back for the verdict, I'll be happy enough to announce it so don't tried to beg for forgiveness at all."

"What ever judge," said Cartman.

Everyone came back for the verdict, Wendy hopes for guilty while Heidi hopes for not guilty.

The judge announce his verdict to the court room," jury do have the verdict?"

"Yes we do, we the jury find Eric Cartman guilty of child abuse, child neglect, reckless child endangerment and aiding a sex offender to re offend."

"Mr. Cartman I sentences you to four weeks of parenting classes and have your dick chopped off and sent to your wife as a gift."

"What that's not fair, I don't deserve this at all."

"Mr. Cartman deal with it" said the judge. "the court recommends that the mother of the child you irresponsibly endangered gets to chop your dick off."

"What that hippie bitch fuck no."

"It's either that or pay the marshes 10 million dollars."

"Uh, god damn it fine you win I'll pull my pants down now."

Cartman's penis was erected and harden. When Wendy was about to use the big kitchen knife to chop off Cartman's dick, he busted a nut and blown his load on to Wendy's face and she said, "that was disgusting your pervert say goodbye to your dick" and finally chopped off Cartman's dick.

Cartman "screamed" in pain and the severed dick was put in a cooler and given to his wife, Heidi. Heidi and Cartman walked to the car with the cooler and went to the hospital to reattach Cartman's penis while Cartman holding a ice pack on his severe groin.

3 months later things had changed, the marshes went through a lot things that Cartman had caused, as a result Stan and Wendy's marriage got stronger than ever. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are no longer friends with Cartman and Eric was kicked out of the group. Wendy placed a restraining order against Eric Cartman. As a result Cartman cannot be 50 Yards near her, Stan, and their son, Sam.

As for Butters, he was sentenced to 10 years in prison for leaving during house arrest and sexually abusing a baby because he's was already a sex offender.

Mysterion kept an eye on Butters & Cartman for the town's sake and he does his duty very well, with truth and justice for all.

 **A/N- Remember to like, follow, share and review my fics.**


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